I cried myself to sleep last night.

It was the overwelming pain, that has been torturing me.

Knowing that EVERYONE has someone who loves them or loved them.

That growing pain, and fear, that I will never be loved.

And yet I am terrified of love.

The idea of someone being THAT close to me, that they know how to hurt me.

Even my friends, I dont allow them to ever be too close to me, there will always be barriers that I will put in place to protect both them and me.

I think I feel like this because of my situation at home, to never have seen love at first hand, from two parents, I think has taken affect on me.

Belonging to someone scares me.

Loving someone so much, scares me.

Scares me enough to be sick.

Yet I want it SO much, I want to feel it, I want to feel my age.

But there is noone, I am attracted to. I am 17...nearly everyone my age or younger have found someone...

and then theres me....I am so lonely that my body shakes in spasms, when tears envelop me.

I dont want to be alone.

Yet all this world seems to have in store for me, is a controlling family, and a few more beautiful friends, that I may or may not hang on to.

I see myself loosing everything that I do have. I will be that weird old woman in a small scary hamlet, with ahundred or so cats.

Never having lived. Lived to an extent, but how can I have lived without proper love? With noone to hold me, noone to listen to my chatter, with noone who will tell me that they love me more than anything in this world.

You may say that I have the rest of my life to find someone, but I can see myself, going from place to place, on my own, rejecting all those who persue me, because Im not attracted to them, or I am so terrified they will break me.

I dont want to miss out on everything that people my age, are having, that my closest friends are feeling.

Yet once again...here I am...missing out. I am my own worst enemy.

Because... that is my nature.