Lately

On Thursday, I got told by my work colleague, that I have not been working hard enough and that my attitude is terrible. That the girls that are younger than me, can do things I cant, and that at my age, another of our colleagues could run the entire shop on her own, but I cant.

Although all of this may be my fault, I feel slightly put out. My hours have been cut, but that may again be my fault, and Andrea managed to get me to work longer on a Thursday of which I am very grateful. But because of College and the fact I only work one day a week, I do not get the chance to do all of the financial parts of the shop, mainly because I do all of the cleaning, and although you would think that I could be quicker at it, rushing it, will not make it hygienic.

I do everything that I meant to do, and I am pleasant to the customers, my confidence is slowly growing, but its never going to be at the extent of other peoples.

Yes maybe I do need to be more cheery, but I am not always a happy person, and generally I am thinking about what next I need to do.

I do make mistakes, but everyone does that, even the most perfect of people.

I am getting frustrated that not many people do the cleaning, and my wages are actually lower than the average wage for my age, and that is breaking the law.

I don't know why this is, maybe because they don't think I am working hard enough, and that's why they have kept me at that wage.

To be honest, I feel more satisfied and happy mucking out a load of horses and donkeys on a Friday, as well as feeding them, and basically giving them all that they require in a day, which is ten times more, mentally and physically demanding. And yet I feel more wanted and more cherished doing my work experience than I do at my actual work.

I actually since, Thursday, went up to my boss the next day and apologised. Even so, since Thursday, I cried most of the night and couldn't sleep for three days.

Mothers day was all part of me being miserable as well, for all I want is a proper mother, and Mothers Day always rubs it in my face. I guess my work assume that I need to be more hard, stop worrying about everything going on at home, but then, the cleaning, and working, is a way for me to shut off from that as well, and if people think I'm being miserable, then they don't know me at all.

I know that they thought telling me all of that would help me get my act together, but the truth is, that there is not enough hours from 1-6 to do all of what they want me to achieve, and as well as this, it felt like a second slap in the face. The first one being when one of my bosses told me, I wont be needed at all on Saturdays.

I feel like quitting. But that would mean admitting defeat. And also, I love my job, maybe not to the extent they would like perhaps. But they have all been so good to me. However I feel that the younger new ones are now the favorites, and that they think that they are ten times better than I am.

I have been told a number of times, because of the wage I am getting, despite my excuses saying that my work cant afford to pay me any higher, that they just want to get rid of me, before I am 18 for they will have to by law pay me, minimum wage.

Being compared to another colleague was also very hurtful but perhaps needed.

However, I respect and love my bosses, and their daughter. But they, without knowing it perhaps do nothing for my self value.

I need money, so much, for my future depends on it, to go to university.

And at the moment, when left to myself, I am incredibly emotional.

I don't know what to do. There is a possible Saturday job I can consider taking. But I don't want to hurt my bosses of my current job.

If I cannot impress them in the next few weeks or so, over Easter maybe, then I suppose I might as well leave.

But that is a horrible prospect that I may have to consider.

I am sorry. :/