The truth is hard to admit, let alone accept.

Last night, I went, like normal on facebook. I started chatting to one of the most important people in my life.
We have commented to each other once before how it is easier to talk to each other face to face than on fb, or msn, or on the phone. But what irritated me last night is how neither of us really had anything to say to each other. As normal I told her about yesterdays hassle with getting to college. After that however, when it was her turn to fill me in, she had nothing to say really. So, in what I was finding awkward, I did my normal "Love you, miss you" type thing. Of which she replied the same. But somehow I always find that in our friendship, it is one rule for me and another for someone else. This kills me. She is the person that knows me supposedly better than anyone else on this planet and vice versa, yet sometimes, I wonder if she knows me at all. At the same time as hating this, I use this to my advantage, they're somethings I don't want her know, for the simple reason I do not want to lose her friendship.
My other friends criticise her, and I jump to her defence, always. But there are sometimes moments when I wonder if I should. She pushes me away. Something that I cannot stand and breaks me over and over. Something that too many people do to me. I wish she would be straight with me, push away that pride to some other corner of her head, and when she is upset, or angry, so as to tell me what is wrong, or how she feels, rather than, talk harshly, walk away from me, with an endless empty silence.
A few weeks ago, I asked her why she did not confide in me as much as I would like her too. She replied "Your never there" this one comment, although she covered it up with another light hearted comment, made me want to tear out my hair, and in my head, I kept repeating it over and over.
The one thing that I thought had made our friendship stronger, the separation. Us going to separate secondary schools and then out of my choice, going to separate colleges, had actually, in the ability to be able to speak plainly to one another, has made it weaker.
She may say to me now why I bother to be her friend. And she has already said to me once before that she feels like she is not a good friend to me. But to be honest, her friendship to me is one of the most happy, and fore filling things in my life. She gives me a freedom I cannot feel with anyone else, another family, where I feel more at home than with the one that is actually of my blood.
The truth is I will never be able to let go of our friendship, despite how she can hurt me, without even knowing that she knows how to do it, so well.
No ones perfect, I am not. Neither is she. But what I yearn for is for us to be equals in our friendship. To be honest, and to believe each other.
Without her friendship I fear I am nothing.
I hope you understand.