Predicted.

I failed my driving test. For the third time. I'm a little gutted really, actually wanted to cry.

It was only on one smallish thing, I was so annoyed.

I just go through moments where I do stuff and then I cant remember why I did it?

I get home, my gran was furious to start of with. She goes to David my instructor that it wasn't his fault he wasn't the one driving the car.

That made me feel soo much better... Not.  Pampa was the worst though. He just sat on the bench staring at the floor looking depressed. He has a lot to be depressed about. My father for one. But that really did make me feel like a failure.

 

Dad is.... I don't know. I actually have no idea where he is right now. Sadly I really don't care. He has removed himself from my life. Yesterday he made Pampa and Granny drive to Truro to put money into his account because he was overdrawn. He should have gone himself the dick. Instead of making Pampa drive who is sick enough as it is to Truro just for him.

I can guess why he was overdrawn though. The Pub.

I just feel like every person in the village who sees him, chats to him in that pub is betraying me. They all know he shouldn't be there. Ive now got to the point when people ask about him and my family I full on tell the truth. I cant be asked to go "oh yes well he's fine, we're fine, everything's great" Its not. Nothing is fine.

 

All I wanted was a normal parent. Not my best friends parent, mine. I want him to love me. To be that person that I can rely on. Ive never had that. I never will.

 

I was talking to my boss the other day, who straight out said that it wouldn't surprise him if my he died from a drug overdose or something similar.

 

I laughed. How disgusting is that?  But Ive realised that he is becoming a horrible man.

 All of my memories of him as a child are thwarted by the fact he spent so much time drinking.

He's so manipulative to my grandparents. They still give him everything. I want to yell at him tell him how much of a dick he's being but Im terrified of how he'll react.

 

I just feel like I'm a massive mistake. He once told me (whilst drunk) that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. If I was then why the hell are you drinking yourself to death???

 

Then a few years later he told me (again whilst drunk) that he wished all of us would die.

 

I think after he told me that, I began to withdraw from him.

Sometimes I'm scared of being like him and her. They are my parents after all. Some of this shit must stick at some point right?

I dunno. I just want to get away.

 

I need to get away.